By "Blyth"
Salvation
For a long time, salvation was a confusing
thing to me; a free gift, to be sure, but after that, earned, if that makes
any sense. It was hard for me to reconcile verses such as “I will never
leave you nor forsake you.” (*Hebrews 13:5b) with other verses like, “For if
God did not spare the natural branches, He will not spare you, either.”
(*Romans 11:21) But in my own life, I have come to see that it is not me
that is in charge of my salvation, but God Himself.
I accepted the Lord because I wanted to baby-sit at my church, and because I wanted to be the center of attention, if only for a few minutes. I did believe, and I did want God, but the way I lived, and what I heard were two different things. I thank God that He saw through my façade to the heart that really did desire Him, beyond that moment in the spotlight. I was fourteen years old, and in the midst of teenage angst. I did not know that very soon what I knew as family would disintegrate irrevocably. I would not have been able to imagine that a year later I would be in a group home five hundred miles from that church where I was being baptized. And that I would never again live at home.
There is a Psalm that reads; “If I take the wings of the morning and travel to the far side of the sea, even there your Right Hand shall lead me, and Your Right Hand shall hold me fast.” (*Psalm 139:9-10) So even there, in the rural barrenness of Redding, amongst the seas of dry yellow grasses which mirrored my soul, God was there. Seasons of the soul went by; there were times where I would grasp complex lessons, and times where my spirit echoed the heat of the Redding summers. I had always been harassed by phobias; one fear always led into another one. I never seemed to be free of a notion that would grip me in a fist of terror that I had no defense against. I thought it was that easy to lose my salvation, like a child’s gift that was being abused and taken by the parents. I tried to be good, and I tried to overcome. And then came homosexuality.
At that time, and in that place, homosexuality did not have the focus it has now. The “thing” then was cults and who belonged to them. But still, within my mind was a door that I could not quite open - the closet door of a small child laying in a dark room listening to noises. Behind that door was my secret that I kept even from myself. The reason I had no real boyfriends and did not have the passion for men that I saw in other girls was because I was “one of them.” I was a gay person. The “right” man wasn’t coming because there was no “right” man. This was the most intense turmoil of the soul I had ever encountered in my life.
But then, salvation was right around the corner in the form of “ex-gay” ministries. I was elated. There was someone, a group that would make me “normal,” somehow reach inside me and find that small, scared heterosexual person screaming to be freed. I did what they did. I read their books. I subscribed to their newsletters. I called. Salvation became for me, heterosexuality, and it was a demanding idol. Salvation was really no longer Jesus, but in being heterosexual. I was in charge of my own salvation; be gay, go to hell. Be straight, go to heaven. Very simple.
But it wasn’t that simple. Even with prayer, Bible study, repentance, counseling, and reading, I was still gay. I came out of the closet for a short time and was thrown violently back in by the worst panic attacks I had ever experienced. I lived in a double world; I WANTED to be heterosexual, and felt that I could “name it and claim it,” yet I knew I was not. Even worse, I would be confined to a life that I would spend on my own or with a man who I would not be able to happily fulfill. It was like being backed into a corner with wolves on all sides. I lived unhappily, without joy and without hope. I did not truly know the joyful Christianity that others knew simply because I was gay and “different.” I wished upon myself all manner of deathly illnesses, but unfortunately stayed quite healthy. I did not have the courage to kill myself. It did not seem that my faith revolved around God, but how to be good enough to get into heaven, i.e.- be heterosexual. I was more worried about me than truly knowing and worshipping God. My faith trapped me and destroyed my joy. Yet, I wanted to know God for Himself. I wanted to be like David who was after God’s own Heart.
Thankfully, as far away as I felt from Him, He stayed near to me. As selfish as I was with Him, He was unselfish with me. There came a time where there were no more tricks, there was no more living a lie and I came out for good. I thought I might just discard this so-called faith that only brought me misery and judgment and, for awhile, I tried. But for me, there was no life without God. It was just as empty and hopeless as I had been living before. Then I discovered the Truth that brought things into focus. I had always assumed that somehow, some way that I was responsible for my own salvation, even if I didn’t speak it outwardly. It was beyond my understanding that Jesus, hanging in agony on the Cross WAS my salvation. I couldn’t just “lose it” because I might say the wrong thing and “blaspheme the Holy Spirit” by accident. I wasn’t going to “earn” it by being heterosexual or by my good works. It was simply, irrevocably done by Jesus on the cross and I didn’t help. Just prior to this time, I received this verse from the Lord; “but He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” (*2 Corinthians 12:9a) I learned that letting go and letting God work was the answer, not the other way around.
What Jesus did began to be a reality for me. I realized that we can have a great “outward” appearance, living “morally” and attending church, but still be dead inside. It is so easy to fall into the trap of being a Pharisee, even while vilifying them in the Bible. But it is not by following the rules that we are saved, but by Him. All the “moral” politics of the world will not do anything for a person except make them act a certain way; Jesus TRANSFORMS people and there is a vast difference in that.
I also realized that Jesus WAS the Way for everyone. Perhaps people won’t agree with me, but I stand firm in that belief. I look at Jesus and what He has done for people. You can be born into a good, Christian family and things will come easy for you. Some people are just born good. We know these people. We are attracted to these people. Some people are born screaming at the world and bent on rebelliousness. Other people are born into abusive families that warp the way they see others and themselves and drive them into the comfort of drugs and alcohol. Still others are born into societies with vast social differences that cannot be bridged. You are born into your station and die there. But when we come to the cross, we are all at the same level. Jesus leveled the playing field for everyone. It no longer matters if you were born untouchable in India. It no longer matters if you are Queen of Britain. It doesn’t matter if you were born into wealth or into poverty. The same salvation, the same spiritual gifts, the same faith is for everyone, regardless of who they are.
The most dramatic change in my thoughts occurred when I realized that I was not in charge of my salvation. I could not, nor would I be able to, earn it. It renewed my faith and helped me to see that no matter what mess I had gotten myself into, God stayed faithful to His Promise of salvation to me. It was something that He irrevocably gave me. For the gifts and calling of the God are irrevocable. (*Romans 11:29) And it wasn’t something He left me floundering on my own to discover, but has been an active part of even when I have been inactive. It brought a lot of emotion into my heart to write these words because I am truly grateful to God for the gift of salvation. It is not something I can even comprehend; how God would care for the likes of me, but He does, and for that I am eternally grateful.
If you would like this relationship with Him, ask Him into your heart today. He welcomes you with open arms! There are no “perfect” words, just your own heart speaking to God. Tell Him that you cannot pay for your sins, and you cannot earn Heaven, but you would like to accept the sacrifice of Jesus for those sins. Ask Him into your heart and tell Him you would like a relationship with Him for now and forever. Tell Him you would like the plan He has laid for your life, and not your own, and that you would like to repent of your own ways without Him. Then go forth in that relationship…with Him by your side, and let Him work.
*Bible verses are from- The New Oxford Annotated Bible NRSV